[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

183
approves. She's not sure that she understands. But she's willing to come along
to give moral support and any emotional Curads that might be required.'
Dr Ambara seemed to find Wanda's presence discomfiting. However, he nodded
acceptance of her words and inclined his head courteously to the airport
security guard as she took his suit bag and laid it out flat on the endless
belt that would take it through the X-ray machine. Randolph found the hint of
anatagonism between Wanda and Dr Ambara somewhat amusing. He had always found
that his staff worked better when its members were in competition with each
other, and he had no doubt but that Wanda and Dr Ambara would outdo themselves
to look after him. Without being patronizing and without being weak, he had
accepted that he needed looking after, at least for a while.
During the flight to Los Angeles, Wanda gradually began to break down Dr
Ambara's reserve until she was talking to him about his career in America,
about his beliefs in reincarnation and, most sensitive of all, about his dead
wife and his hope of seeing her again.
'I still don't understand why the Indonesian government is so down on death
trances,' she said. 'Surely they could make a fortune in foreign currency if
they allowed adepts to offer their services freely. I mean, if it really
works, who wouldn't want to talk to his dead mother and father, even to his
grandparents?'
Dr Ambara stirred his vodka and tonic with a plastic airlines swizzle stick.
'It is dangerous, that is why the government forbids it. Many adepts have been
killed in the death trance, even though they were experienced priests. Perhaps
other people have been killed as well but the government does what it can to
keep the statistics quiet. They won't even officially admit that there is such
a thing as a death trance.'
Wanda said gently, 'Your wife, if you were to see her again . . . what would
you say to her?'
Dr Ambara looked thoughtful. Then he said, 'I would
tell her that I loved her and that I will always love her. And then I would
ask her to forgive me.'
'You didn't kill her. Why should you ask her to forgive you?'
'No, but I am still alive and she is dead, and I have always felt that it is
the responsibility of every human being to do everything he can to protect his
loved ones. I know that what happened was an accident. There was nothing I
could have done to save her. And yet I still feel responsible. I still feel
that it was my fault. If I can hear her say that she forgives me, perhaps I
will be able to continue my life without the burden of guilt I have been
carrying.'
Wanda put her hand on Dr Ambara's wrist. They were approaching Los Angeles now
and the seat-belt warning had chimed. Below, in the sunny haze of
mid-afternoon, traffic sparkled along the freeways, and turquoise swimming
pools dotted the suburbs like unstrung necklaces. Wanda said, 'If you do ever
get to see her, do you know what I think she will say? I think she will tell
you that she always loved you and that she never blamed you for one single
minute.'
Dr Ambara stared at her and then mumbled, 'I hope so, Miss Wanda. I hope your
intuition is proven to be right. In fact, I pray so.'
The flight from Los Angeles to Djakarta was delayed for two hours. They sat in
the airport lounge drinking cocktails and talking desultorily. There was
little need for them to talk. This journey was beyond their experience, ,
beyond the experience of human life itself. There was nothing they could say
about it until they had lived through it. Passengers jostled and pushed their
way around them, en route to London, Chicago, New York, St Louis, keeping
their appointments with the living. Only Randolph and Wanda and Dr Ambara knew
that they, by contrast, were keeping an appointment with the dead.
At last they were called to the gate. Standing behind them in the line to
board were four tall, hard-faced men. One of them, who looked to be the leader
of the group,
Page 90
ABC Amber Palm Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abcpalm.html
184
185
impressed Randolph by his withdrawn silence, stonily maintained even when the
other three were talking. His head looked as if it had been sculptured in
granite: angular, uncompromising and scarred. One ear had been crumpled,
either by fire or by a punishing beating, and there was a white mark running
upwards from his left jaw into his close-cropped hairline. His eyes were as
grey and cold as the ocean on a cloudy day. He chewed gum incessantly and
seemed disinterested in what went on around him. More than disinterested,
contemptuous.
'Veterans, I should think,' Dr Ambara remarked as the men walked past.
'Probably travelling to Vietnam to commemorate the fall of Saigon. It is
interesting to compare their pilgrimage with ours. It seems as if human beings
have a burning urge to revisit the past, to try to understand its meaning. We
are hopeless revisionists, I suppose. We forget that the future is unfolding
with every minute that goes by and that in time we shall want to correct what
we are doing today.'
They flew out from Los Angeles into the grainy orange of a Pacific sunset.
They would stop over at Honolulu, then at Manila, where they would change to
the Indonesian airline, Merpati, for the last leg to Djakarta. Randolph did
his best to sleep although every time he did, he had vivid dreams of Marmie's
casket as it was lowered into the ground. Once he woke up to find Wanda
holding his hand tightly and saying, 'Sssh, sssh, it's all right. It's all
over.'
'Was I talking in my sleep?' he asked. He touched his eyes and discovered they
were wet with tears.
'You were calling out, that's all. Don't worry about it. You can't keep it
bottled up inside you all the time.'
He wiped his eyes. 'I'm sorry. Maybe I should take some sleeping pills.'
'It's all right,' Wanda reassured him. 'Don't worry.'
The flight attendant came up and asked him if he wanted a drink. 'A large
whisky,' he told her. Wanda signalled her disapproval with her eyes but [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]